I’m not sure if this is a good time to write or not.

I feel like I am in a big black hole right now, with no hope of escape. It is completely sole destroying and I am alone.

Wow….this is tough.

I am glad I am writing after all. Even if it does bring tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness but frustration. Anger at myself, disappointment in myself. I know I decide to feel this way and I am capable of pulling myself out but I just despise that I keep coming back to this ‘dark place’ every few months.

I have such greatness inside me and I feel like a hamster in a wheel or a prized thoroughbred in the stable just watching the others winners training on the track.

So what are the big points? What are the priorities to get my shit together and get back on the horse? Humph…. 2 horse analogies and I’m not even a horse guy!

Lets start with my health!

Health & Fitness:

I know that without being in peak physical condition, mental condition will also be sub par. I just have not made it a high enough priority and it should be #1 on the list before absolutely anything else. So…famous last words…. it all changes here…tonight. No more half assed bull-shit, no more excuses. I want to be a success more than anything and this is where is starts.

Current status:

Weight: 209.0 lbs
Body Fat: 30.6%
General Feeling: Fat, Bloated, Angry, Lack of Sex Drive, Lack of concentration

Commitment:

1. I will not take a sip of alcohol till I am under 190 lbs
2. I will exercise for no less than 30 minutes every day
3. I will actively research and implement a long-term nutritional lifestyle change
4. I will nurture and pamper my body with the respect it deserves

 

Family:

Second only to my own health is my family and I have been failing here in a big way.

I am short and bad tempered with the kids and just don’t feel anything with Andrea. It’s like we are just drifting with no connection anymore. She has no idea who I am and I am frustrated that she is not trying to help or comfort me.

However I am not the easiest person to live with right now. Constantly moody that I can’t work because I have to look after the kids while she is at work. I know she feels guilty for enjoying being at work so she can enjoy being away from the kids. I get that because I feel the same when I’m at work too.

I am at a loss how to fix this. Our conversations about or issues go in circles and we say the same things every few months. My thoughts often turn to the possibilities of separation and how that would work but I know I would be heart broken. I’m not sure if it would be for Andrea and I or the kids in a separated family either way I can’t stomach the thought.

I often feel that Andrea has given up as she make no attempt to really connect with me. Alcohol seems to be the only lubricant to smooth away the roughness between us right now.

I am trying to get to the commitments section here but I am struggling to figure out what to commit to.

No alcohol for some time might be a big decider in how we go forward with our relationship as I often feel this is the only way we have lasted the past few months.

Commitments:

1. I will be more positive and will avoid showing my frustrations over things Andrea has no control over.
2. I will hug an kiss Andrea everyday and mean it.
3. I will not judge Andreas behaviour after see has been drinking.

 

Work

This is a combination of fear, overwhelm and lack of time in this melting pot of anger and frustration. I am angry that I feel I have NEVER HAD A SIGNIFICANT WIN!

THIS ENDS NOW!!!!!

I know how capable I am. I know I have the skills and knowledge to make CottageBlogger.com and REALforVR.com be extremely successful. I just have to be able to manage my time. Follow my tasks on Asana to the letter and do nothing else!

Commitments:

1. I will check Asana first thing in the morning and last thing at night to keep on track with tasks.
2. I will manage my time more efficiently and in conjunction with co-ordination with Andrea.
3. I will focus on learning more and guessing less following proven tasks and checklists.
4. I will coral Heather and other staff to work more efficiently and on task.

This is just a start but already I feel more hopeful and optimistic with less tears than when I started this.

“Step forth one step at a time and soon it will lead to leaps and bounds!”

Mike Bayer

 

 

Another crazy busy day today but first I have to apologize for not writing yesterday. It is not a surprise to me that I make a new commitment to journal everyday only to miss a day just 3 posts in. What a terd!

Sometimes I have to give my head a shake. It’s not even as if I was too busy or too tired. We bearly ran a call at work yesterday. I got a back back from sitting in the arm chair all day. I was fully engaged in getting shit done for this Lead Generation course I am working on but that didn’t excuse 15 minutes to write at the end on the day.

Enough beating up on myself. I’m back now.

So I was back to my friend Bill’s today to help some more with his deck building. I realize now that even though I am not a hard labour kind of guy I really enjoy big project construction. I don’t mean trim and drywall but framing and decks especially.

I think its because you can stand back at the end of the day and clearly see significant accomplishment. It is so gratifying to put in so much hard work…sweat in your eyes and blood on your hands hard work and you have built something. I have a tough time sometimes with the online business side of things in this respect.

I sometimes get so focused on the money (both in and out) and not the beauty of building something beautiful and amazing that funnels people in with problems, funnels them where they need to find their solution and then repeats the process.

Anyway back to the day. After few hours with Bill, Andrea and I headed over to my parents to pick up the kids and do my annual commitment of putting in their dock.

Firstly it was an amazing weekend and a little strange without the kids and I am so thankful that my parents are so happy to look after them. It was bitter sweat to know our little respite was over but I always begin to miss them after a few days. It was wonderful to spend some time swimming in the river with Arya and see Isla take her first real steps.

The dock has always been a big frustration for me. I just don’t understand why anyone would buy a dock that is so unwieldy and difficult to install when this has to be done twice a year. This is the first year I have just shut my mouth and not complained (in thanks for looking after the kids) but I really worry about sustaining a bad injury carrying the sections or worse destroying my back. It is what it is I guess and at the end of the day I am their son who they have cared for for the last 34 years….sigh.

How can I complain when there is always a perfectly cooked leg of lamb to be sliced into a pita with the freshest of salads and hummus. Delish!

With today being Victoria day it always symbolizes to me the beginning of Summer and I feel I should make a commitment to myself for the next 3 months, till labour day and the start of fall. So I’m going to make a short list to help call the powers of the universe.

1. I will have earned $30K through our online businesses
2. I will weigh less than 190lbs
3. I will have spent the best summer ever with Andrea and the kids
4. I will have a sailing vacation booked
5. I will have a retirement date planned for Fire

It is strange how much I am struggling to get these down on paper. I think it might be because I set my sights too high sometimes which should not be a bad thing but it does kill me when I set goals and fail time and time again. These are 5 very attainable goals that really reflect my passions and my priorities.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, let the summer begin!

Rock on!

After the perfect recovery night at work (not a single call for my truck over night) and great nights sleep it was home to help out my friend Bill with his deck. Since the kids are at my mum and dads this weekend and Andrea was sure to be in a coma after a night shift it is a perfect day to help payback so labour hours to Bill for so many he had helped with on our renos.

When Bill puts me to work, he really puts me to work. As a firefighter I keep myself in shape but most of my off time is behind the keyboard trying to build my online businesses so hard graft labour is not my bodies natural condition. After digging multiple holes for his deck footings and then moving thousands of pounds of concrete to fill them, my body is sore and need of a recoup.

We finished off the night with a few neighbours over to Bills for a campfire and fireworks.

I have so much online stuff to do, especially this Lead Generation course I have been building but I feel very strongly about personal debt to friends. I always want to be their for the friends who are there for me. This was Bills very few weekends he was able to start his deck project and I just had to make it a priority to be there even if it is the long weekend and the kids are away.

I will go into a bit more depth about the online projects tomorrow and how my life really centres around their success.

Need some sleep. Hope I get up tomorrow.

Not a lot to get down in the journal today except for the fact that this has been a really long day. I guess my mind was all over the place after my first entry yesterday and was reflecting on some of the things I was thinking about while writing. In the end I didn’t get to sleep till 2am and was up at 5am for work. Thank goodness I got everything ready before bed. This also meant no miracle morning 🙁

Still managed to kick off the day with a good steady run while listening to the Fizzle podcast. I find its one of my favourites right now and love the fact that Chase, Cobert and Barret make me laugh out load on almost every episode. What is always interesting is that I begin to listen to the episode and my brain engages in such a way that within 10 minutes I am not even listening anymore but deep into planning and strategizing about what I just heard and thinking about implementation.

What is frustrating is that during the next 20 minutes of the run I forget all the awesome stuff I was planning. Humph…still struggling with that one.

The day was a humdrum of not very spectacular events. Very few calls and just trying to deal with a numb brain from lack of sleep.

With that being said its off to sleep for me and hopefully a quiet night. Oh crap I said the ‘Q’ word.

TTFN.

Ok so this seems a bit extreme but this is what it has come to. At 34 years old I have to start a journal. It seems like a logical thing to do but none the less I kind of feel I’m being transported back to my formative years as a broody adolescent.

So the big question in Who, Why, How?

Well I know who I am so this bit seems a little redundant but maybe this will serve as a start line for who I want to be.

Who
I am a husband, father, son, entrepreneur, chronic dreamer, idea vomiter, firefighter, sailor, traveler, adventurer, explorer, drinker, runner.

In a little more detail:

I am a husband who does not appreciate his wife enough.

A father who struggles with the idea of being a parent let along getting over myself and really diving into being a parent.

A son to a mother who is also my business partner and to a father who doesn’t get what I am trying to do most of the time.

A struggling entrepreneur who can’t spell entrepreneur without spell check.

A big dreamer fighting a constant battle to figure out what is the right dream to follow.

An idea vomiter who thinks he has the next big idea every day….especially after a can of monster (the ideas are really amazing sometimes but I just have to put them aside to keep focus).

A Firefighter who really doesn’t enjoy being just a number in a union crowd where effort and enthusiasm are not rewarded.

A sailor who loves to be on the water with all his soul.

A traveler, adventure and explorer that needs to get feel the intrigue and excitement of new places and experiences.

A drinker of too much beer and wine as I’m not sure if I drink them to enjoy them or just kidding myself that I have a drinking problem.

Finally a runner who is at peace when on a trail with the sun in my face, the smell of the forest in the air and the sound of nothing but the birds all around.

 

Why
This is a long list but the coles notes is really to document my struggles, my victories and to stick with something. I have been told I write pretty well but I need to become more comfortable with it and also to start typing with more than 2 fingers.

Above all this if for me. It is a way for me to share with myself the issues of the day and to spend some time thinking about me and how to make me…better.

I want to set some clear goals and have a trail of entries where I can read my progress and look back at the fact I have had wins even though it feels that I have not.

This is also a period in my life where I feel I have a lot of struggles. A lot of different areas that need focus but I don’t seem to be making traction on anything. I was listening to Essentialisme on AudioBooks.com today and I realized that I need to less. A lot less and Greg McKeown the author suggested keeping a journal to help combat the overwhelming urge to do too much.

 

How

Simply to sit in front of the computer for 15-20minutes every evening just to document what I have done each day and to keep track of the problems, struggles and above all the solutions and the victories to show my progress.

I choose to do this on a blog and to write in this style (to an audience) as I may one day choose to let people see this. I feel it might help others to overcome the same issues.

Times up…… to work tomorrow (Firefighting) so best get some sleep. What to make sure I am fresh to do start on the right foot with a miracle morning 🙂